Bros, Long time no talk. I hope everyone has been well! I've been doing pretty well, work is going great, and I am loving summer. So I wanted to make a new post tonight because I have been thinking a lot lately about what I actually want in the future. Well I still really don't know what it is I want exactly.
So right now, as most of you know, I am dating a girl who I love. She comes from a great family, and our families mesh really well together. We get along great, and rarely fight. I can definitely see myself marrying her and having a dog and children with a nice home in the burbs of a big city, and a lake home somewhere a couple hours away (hopefully ha). Having said that, I've been beginning to second guess myself. Do I really want to go that route? I do... but what if I don't??? Life is so confusing.
I've become increasingly curious what it is actually like to fall in love with a man. Are all men ass holes though just looking for sex? I've had some bad experiences in the past, and that is a small part of the reason why I went back to women after a couple short lived relationships. Although I was in the closet so I don't think I got the full experience, but I did meet a lot of this one guy's friends, and went out in public with him and all his friends, who all knew about me... I kind of wish things with that relationship worked out a little better because I feel like I might be in a very different place right now. Whether it would be a better place than I am currently in, I don't know. I do know it would be completely different though.
So I find myself wondering what it is like to date someone new, and that someone has a penis. No, I don't have anyone in mind, I'm just speaking generally here. It would be kind of exciting getting to experience falling in love with another guy, being able to lift together, run together, watch tv together, go to games together, go out with friends drinking, meeting each other's families, really just getting to know one another like I've never gotten to know a guy before. I mean really getting to know a guy on a completely intimate level, and not just on a physical sexual level.
I know I've told you guys this before, but I am a large bag of contradictions, I honestly have no idea what I want. I know a lot of you have given me great advice too in the past, and while I want to take it, I don't in fear that I won't like the other side of things. I know some of you are extremely skeptical / judgmental of me, but I'm only human, and I'm just taking my life day by day.
Well in other news, work is going pretty well. There is a really competitive rotational program my company offers that I'm trying to get accepted in to. I would interview for it over the next couple months, but I wouldn't find out if I got in until the winter. I think it would be a really great opportunity to get a lot of exposure to a bunch of different fields prior to going back to get my masters. My career and my future success is honestly the most important thing to me right now. Although the topic of my future love life is also a big topic of concern, I can't let it get in the way of my career goals.
Lastly, I wanted to address a question I got on my last post. I meant to do it when it was first asked, but have just been putting it off. the question was:
"Are your parents happy you are acting straight? That was not an attack. I'm just curious how your parents reacted. You said you came out of the closet, then you basically went back into the closet. Do you think you would have tried harder to find a man if you had informed your friends and brother? Just curious, you are the first person I've read that came out then when right back to the same relationship you had when you started this journey. Hope you answer. I just wander have they questioned this, like you must have?"
My parents have never actually questioned me about dating a woman again. I think they are probably pretty relieved to be honest. We never talk about when I told them I was gay. Part of me wishes they were a little more supportive about the whole thing right from the beginning. I don't want to blame them for my choices after trying to come out, but it would have been easier to stay out if I had a stronger support system at home. There are a lot of other things that contributed to my decision of going back in the closet though, so I can't put the blame totally on my parents. So to answer your question, I believe my parents are happy that I am acting straight. Although I am half straight, so its not like I'm living a complete lie. I'm just choosing to suppress one side of my physical and mental desires as of right now.
So guys that is about all I've got for you right now. I know it has been a long ass time since I have posted, but I figured I'd clue you guys in on how my life is going right now, and how I am feeling. Don't think I'm in some deep depression about all of this, because I'm not. I'm simply re-evauating what I want in life. There is no telling where I will end up, or who I will end up with. Ultimately, I just want to be happy, and hopefully extremely successful :)