So right now, as most of you know, I am dating a girl who I love. She comes from a great family, and our families mesh really well together. We get along great, and rarely fight. I can definitely see myself marrying her and having a dog and children with a nice home in the burbs of a big city, and a lake home somewhere a couple hours away (hopefully ha). Having said that, I've been beginning to second guess myself. Do I really want to go that route? I do... but what if I don't??? Life is so confusing.
I've become increasingly curious what it is actually like to fall in love with a man. Are all men ass holes though just looking for sex? I've had some bad experiences in the past, and that is a small part of the reason why I went back to women after a couple short lived relationships. Although I was in the closet so I don't think I got the full experience, but I did meet a lot of this one guy's friends, and went out in public with him and all his friends, who all knew about me... I kind of wish things with that relationship worked out a little better because I feel like I might be in a very different place right now. Whether it would be a better place than I am currently in, I don't know. I do know it would be completely different though.
So I find myself wondering what it is like to date someone new, and that someone has a penis. No, I don't have anyone in mind, I'm just speaking generally here. It would be kind of exciting getting to experience falling in love with another guy, being able to lift together, run together, watch tv together, go to games together, go out with friends drinking, meeting each other's families, really just getting to know one another like I've never gotten to know a guy before. I mean really getting to know a guy on a completely intimate level, and not just on a physical sexual level.
I know I've told you guys this before, but I am a large bag of contradictions, I honestly have no idea what I want. I know a lot of you have given me great advice too in the past, and while I want to take it, I don't in fear that I won't like the other side of things. I know some of you are extremely skeptical / judgmental of me, but I'm only human, and I'm just taking my life day by day.
Well in other news, work is going pretty well. There is a really competitive rotational program my company offers that I'm trying to get accepted in to. I would interview for it over the next couple months, but I wouldn't find out if I got in until the winter. I think it would be a really great opportunity to get a lot of exposure to a bunch of different fields prior to going back to get my masters. My career and my future success is honestly the most important thing to me right now. Although the topic of my future love life is also a big topic of concern, I can't let it get in the way of my career goals.
Lastly, I wanted to address a question I got on my last post. I meant to do it when it was first asked, but have just been putting it off. the question was:
"Are your parents happy you are acting straight? That was not an attack. I'm just curious how your parents reacted. You said you came out of the closet, then you basically went back into the closet. Do you think you would have tried harder to find a man if you had informed your friends and brother? Just curious, you are the first person I've read that came out then when right back to the same relationship you had when you started this journey. Hope you answer. I just wander have they questioned this, like you must have?"
My parents have never actually questioned me about dating a woman again. I think they are probably pretty relieved to be honest. We never talk about when I told them I was gay. Part of me wishes they were a little more supportive about the whole thing right from the beginning. I don't want to blame them for my choices after trying to come out, but it would have been easier to stay out if I had a stronger support system at home. There are a lot of other things that contributed to my decision of going back in the closet though, so I can't put the blame totally on my parents. So to answer your question, I believe my parents are happy that I am acting straight. Although I am half straight, so its not like I'm living a complete lie. I'm just choosing to suppress one side of my physical and mental desires as of right now. So guys that is about all I've got for you right now. I know it has been a long ass time since I have posted, but I figured I'd clue you guys in on how my life is going right now, and how I am feeling. Don't think I'm in some deep depression about all of this, because I'm not. I'm simply re-evauating what I want in life. There is no telling where I will end up, or who I will end up with. Ultimately, I just want to be happy, and hopefully extremely successful :)
Hey man, glad you're doing well. I must say, it's interesting that you have those doubts about whether you're doing the right thing, are in the right relationship, etc. I've experienced the same kinds of doubts, and I'm in a relationship with a guy. I have straight friends that have confided in me that they've gone through the same thing. I think it's actually pretty common to feel that way, especially early on in a relationship. Here you've made a decision but you don't feel 100% committed to it yet. It's natural to wonder whether there isn't someone out there who would be a better fit. While you do sound like you're still curious about what it would be like to date a guy, you also say that you love this girl. Maybe look to some of the comments/advice people have left me on my blog in the past couple weeks and see if any of it works for your situation. Basically, they said if you have a relationship that makes you happy, maybe just see where it goes rather than risk it in the hopes of finding something better. "A bird in the hand . . ." and all that. Only you know how you really feel though, and whether you think you really can provide this girl the love and commitment she deserves. Have you opened up to her about being bisexual? I would seriously consider it. Honesty is crucial. I'd be happy to talk sometime about my experiences dating a guy, we've only been together since early May so I'm still a newbie :-)
ReplyDeleteAA: Only you can truly decide what is best for you -- and as you have acknowledged you are trying to juggle the wants/expectations of a number of stakeholders -- your GF, your parents, and perhaps large society, and of course your ambivalent self.
ReplyDeleteYou won't know what it's like being in a relationship with a guy until you try it -- sure you can read about others, fantasize about the ideal guy mate, even convince yourself that it wouldn't work -- but you won't know until you try it out for real.
You already acknowledge a telling coping mechanism -- you are suppressing your desire and curiosity about other guys. Can you suppress it forever? Some guys can, but the blogosphere is littered with guys who decide 10, 15, 20 years into marriage that they can no longer tolerate suppressing a key part of themselves. That's your real danger -- it's not now but what happens down the road when you come clean with your then wife and kids -- the betrayal and broken trust is so often beyond repair.
That's why others have cautioned you a number of times to be up front with your GF -- so you can perhaps mitigate some of the potential damage. If she is like most gals, she will probably insist you suppress your gay feelings anyway, so it's not a real solution.
You probably can live a happy and satisfied life with her, but the danger is if you do wander later in life, it's not just your life, it's hers and possibly your kids that's impacted.
As a gay man, I cannot feel the pull you feel from both sides, yet I do sympathize with the struggle. There is no clear cut, black and white answer -- so anything you decide will be some sort of compromise.
If you truly are conflicted, it's best not to make any immediate commitments until you obtain clarity on what it is you want, what you can live with, what you are willing to compromise on. Don't make a rash decision -- it's not fair to your GF and it's not fair to you. Your future happiness is at stake, so that's not something to take lightly.
I've been reading bits and pieces of your blog off and on since I discovered it several weeks ago (in fact it inspired me to start writing some of my own thoughts and feelings down). I have to say that I am happy you posted this.
ReplyDeleteI have been largely in the same boat questioning what I want, although I really don't have the experience either way to go off of, so all of my questioning is hypothetical.
The only thing I do know is that I want the relationship, but I just can't see who (guy or girl) I want it with. It's helpful to know that there are others out there that seem to be going through the same things.
It's understandable that you're a bag of contradictions. Trying to sort this out can be tremendously confusing. I envy people who say they knew one way or another at a very young age what they felt and wanted. It's terrible later in life to still be trying to figure that out. Especially when you're trying to take into consideration the feelings and reactions of others (such as your GF and parents).
Ultimately as another comment stated you need decide what is best for you and not for anyone else.
As far as your comment about finding a guy out there that is into the relationship as much or more then the sex I'm sure there's at least one out there. It just may be harder to find them.
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog, I know exactly where you are coming from. I never proceeded with relationships with guys at first because I didn't think I was ever going to see them as anything but sex objects lol
At the time the idea of being intimate with a guy or having a 'boyfriend' just didn't really seem like a realistic or desirable place to be. Girls on the other hand made sense and I saw them as more full circle relationship material.
I don't know if I'm explaining it properly here lol a post in my old closeted blog explains it better so if you're interested you can check the post here:
http://itmustbegreed.blogspot.co.uk/2009/12/so-this-is-christmas.html
Hope it helps!
Your situation is a little more complicated than mine was, but I think it's still important to be open to your perspective changing...? I dunno haha
I hope things start making sense for you soon!
I think almost everyone feels for your situation. I believe being honest with yourself is the best approach. You acknowledge you are suppressing your feelings for men at this point. I would not commit to any permanent relationship until you sort this out. In the end you have to be happy for yourself and not for others. Always enjoy your posts. Have a great summer!!
ReplyDeleteThere are quite a few blogs written by married men in their 40s and 50s who are attracted to men. They got married loving their wives and expected to be happy forever. To varying degrees that has not happened. Their experiences should serve as a huge red flag to you. Don't repeat their mistakes.
ReplyDeleteLoving someone and being insanely in love with someone are totally different. You can have an ok life loving someone but it will never be passionate and exciting the way it could be if you were with someone who really 'gets' you. One of the the biggest mistakes you can make in life is to think that love is enough to sustain a fulfilling permanent relationship. It's not. Genuine, uninhibited passion AND love are essential.
Most women are commitment-minded and when you've been with one for a while they inevitable start to think about marriage. This is a slippery-slope situation for you because you have no solid reason to cast doubt on your relationship - you do love her - and yet, unless you express your doubts, you will continue to expand her expectations. Once you start down the road of commitment (such as, talking about one day getting married) it becomes nearly impossible to change directions. To do so makes you a total asshole in the eyes of someone you love.
IMHO, there's only one answer and that's to stop running from your fears. Running doesn't solve anything, all it does is delay the day of reckoning, and the longer you wait the bigger the mess you create. I'm sure this will seem like the most insane advice ever, but the very smartest action you can take is to tell your girlfriend exactly how you feel. She'll either accept you for who you are or she won't. Time won't change how she reacts for the better. If anything, the longer you wait the more angry she'll be. You cannot suppress the gay side of yourself forever so coming out to her is inevitable. The sooner you are honest with her, the sooner you can know what the right path is for you.
Fan of Casey is right -- Disclosure to your girlfriend of past relationships and attractions is the best thing before you put a ring on her finger. Even if the disclosure risks a breakup.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry too much whether she is "the right one" for you. You've been with her for a long time. Actions speak louder than words.
There will be other issues you will have to deal with:
1. All relationships change over time (in good and bad ways). Can you both embrace the changes without getting a divorce?
2, Is monogamy important to you and/or your girlfriend? If you have one of those rare relationships, where things can be open, your gf might not mind if you dabble with guys. It might even turn her on. If monogamy is the rule, you will both need to decide if you can stay monogamous with each other.
3. Your sexuality may change in subtle ways but you are not going to be completely gay or straight. How much will you need to sample from the smörgåsbord? You may be monogamous, but will your gf/wife freak if she finds gay porn on your computer?
I think, IMHO, Two Lives hit it out of the park. Great advice and well put!!
ReplyDeleteTwo lives knows what he is talking about. Read my post from yesterday. Weare all different, and I will not pretend to know what is right for you. Be honest with the person you love from the start. Don't have a secret.... Do not live a secret, please.
ReplyDeleteLots of complexity in the story of your life. For example, the question on my mind is just how gay are you vs. at least some denial. Do you really see a gay life as an equally viable option to a straight one?
ReplyDeleteLets say you marry and have kids with the current girlfriend and then at 35 or 40 you divorce and have a relationship with a man. How is that different than many hetro couples that divorce and find new partners multiple times throughout their life. Most people in their early twenties today will likely have multiple partners in their adult lives regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Even if you want one partner for your entire life, doesn't mean your partner will feel the same.
The person you are today is not the same person you will be at age 30, 40, 50 and beyond. Human desire is fickle, and many people are acting on it more often than in previous generations.
Dude, be totaly honest with yourself and your girlfriend before going any further. My first gay experience was in HS with my best friend, and later his brother. I got married at 22 to my high school sweetheart, and had 4 kids. I suppressed my gay side for about 10 years, but still checking out cute guys all the time. after about 10 years of marriage I started cheating on her for another 10 years, until she finally found out and was devistated. so much so that i havent seen my kids in the last 11 years, as they all pretty much disowned me (christian).
ReplyDeleteI am out of the closet probably as far as I will ever go, in that I am in a long term relationship with a man who i care deeply about, but we both are very masculine and pretty much play it straight when out in public. However all our friends know were gay, and if someone askes we are honest about it. I do have a couple of friends that are bi and married and thier wifes know, and are cool with it. they dont want to know the details but are fine with their husbands playing with other dudes, but i would have to believe that is the exception not the rule.
good luck on your journey, but always be true to yourself, and those that are close to you